I have heard from so many women that they witnessed physical abuse in their parents relationship so they were not going to settle for that in their relationship. However many people find themselves in emotionally abusive relationship without seeing it because they were focused on physical abuse. They set the bar at physical abuse and often feel that if they are not hit then they are fine. People raised in an environment of abuse often feel comfort in the cycle of power and control without realizing it. Let’s explore some of those signs of emotional abuse:
1. Withholding Affection
Withholding affection from a partner is a way to punish the partner and to exercise power and control. This is done intentionally and is sometimes stated to the partner “no kisses until you can be nice again”. Some partners withhold affection after a disagreement due to not feeling connected or not feeling like providing a loving gesture however this behavior is only occasional.
Threats often look like a threat to expose you or a threat to take something away. Some partners threaten to leave when they don’t get their way. Some may state they are going to tell friends about you (which is double damaging as the are both threatening you and stating that there is something wrong with you that will be exposed.) Other times a partner may threaten to take something away from you, they may threaten to take a way the money, not let you do something with the kids, or even threaten to kick you out.
Ultimatums are really a covert threat, with the partner placing the blame on you. The way they see it they gave you a choice to rectify the situation by doing what they want but you chose otherwise therefore the blame lies in your hands.
4. Lack of privacy
This is often a subtle sign of emotional abuse, your partner may check your message or ask for you passwords to you social media. Maybe your partner insists on sharing the same email or analyzes every purchase you make.
5. Property Damage
Property damage skirts the line of physical abuse and emotional abuse. Often a partner will break something that means something to you as a way to punish you and to take something away that you care about.
6. Magic Tricks
Many behaviors are magic tricks, I call this look over here so you don’t notice what the other hand is doing. This might look like blame, starting fights, accusations, being nice and loving. The purpose is to distract you so you don’t notice some other behavior that is occurring.
7. Blame Game
Partners using power and control in a relationship are often not insightful enough to notice the profound effect of their own behavior nor are they at a point of taking responsibility for them. Instead they often blame the other partner. “if you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t have to act this way”
Do you feel like overtime you have lost supportive relationships. Partners often want to control who you are allowed to have a connection with and over time you may notice that you no longer have any relationship in your life other than your immediate family and people that you partner approves of. This is similar to control of resources.
For some people gifts follow a fight or are used as an indicator of how much they care about you. You may here them say “of course I love you , i bought you this___.” “I buy you so many nice things and you don’t appreciate anything I do.” “Everyone else sees what you have and wish their spouse was as giving.” Often these gifts are used at a threat too, if you leave me you will never have this____”
10. Control of Resources
Partners may control resources as a form of punishment or as control. They may control the resources forcing you to feel like you have no option to leave. Control of resources is not limited to money but could also be the use of a vehicle
Micro-cheating is the act of your partner connecting with others and hiding it from you. This might look like secret messages, changing names in the phone, going out and not disclosing everyone that was there, giving attention to someone else and withholding from you.
You never really know a man (or woman) until you have divorced them. Often we see an even worse side to our partner when we try to leave the relationship. Sometimes divorces are amicable however if you have experienced someone that has abused you emotionally during your marriage you can expect for these tactics to continue when you leave.
If you detect these signals in your relationship; reach out for help, from friends, family, a therapist, or a counseling network.